Why Do Women Stay?

"Why do they stay?"  is the question most asked to battered women's advocates, though it is certainly not the most important question to be asked about domestic violence.  We have no way of knowing how many women have left abusive relationships, yet have not chosen to identify this as their main reason for leaving.  What we do know is that there are many reasons; sound reasons for women to stay in abusive relationships, at least temporarily. 

FEAR OF RETALIATION

Despite their abusers’ threats to harm or kill them, many battered women leave.  Yet, physically separating from their abusers does not necessarily end the violence. Studies have shown that battered women face the greatest risk of assault when they leave or threaten to leave their partners, or report the abuse to authorities.  When battered women are killed, it frequently occurs after they have been separated from their partners or taken legal action to end the relationship.

NOWHERE TO GO

There are more than 1800 programs, including approximately 1200 shelters, that serve battered women and their children in the U.S. and its territories.  Most shelters remain full, forcing them to turn away women and children who are seeking safety.  Staying in a battered women’s shelter is, at best, a temporary solution.  Due to the demand for space, most shelters can house a battered woman and her children for only 30 days. A battered woman may be reluctant to stay with family or friends out of fear that her abuser will harm them for helping and housing her.

ECONOMIC REALITIES

Abusers often tightly control access to money and other family resources.  For many battered women, leaving the abusive partner means losing both their home and their means of financial support.  At minimum, in order to leave, a battered woman must find work which pays an adequate wage, locate affordable and safe housing, arrange for child care, and have a means of transportation.

CHILDREN

Even if an abuser does not want the day-to-day responsibility of raising children, he may threaten that he will seek custody if his partner leaves. He may carry out this threat and engage her in a protracted and expensive legal battle over control of the children, child support, and the division of community property. Many abusers threaten to kidnap their children; some carry out this threat.

ISOLATION

Battered women are isolated by their abusers from normal social support systems, such as friends and family. This isolation intensifies a battered woman’s dependence on her abuser and may make her a prisoner in her own home.

PRESERVATION OF THE FAMILY

Some battered women believe the only legitimate roles for women are those of wife and mother, or that it is their responsibility to preserve the family, regardless of the cost to themselves.  Some battered women believe that having the children’s father in the home is necessary for their well-being, despite his abusive and violent behavior towards her.

RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

Some battered women have religious beliefs that prohibit dissolution of the marriage and encourage “forgiveness” in response to their partner’s abuse and violence.

FOCUS ON DAY-TO-DAY SURVIVAL

Most women who are experiencing violence at the hands of an intimate partner are focused on surviving from day to day, not making long-term plans for escape.

LACK OF ADEQUATE RESOURCES

Battered women who leave their abusers face numerous obstacles, both physical and financial. There are few places that battered women can turn for effective assistance.

Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 3/96

Statistics show that the most dangerous time for a women in an abusive relationship is when she attempts to leave.